Courting

Heard in the wild

The longer version

What it means

Courting, in modern Christian use, means dating on purpose: you don't date for fun, you date when you're ready to consider marriage, and you date with that end in mind. In its fuller form — "biblical courtship" — the man asks the woman's father for permission, the couple spends time in family and group settings rather than alone, physical affection is limited or postponed, and the relationship moves toward a decision about marriage without a long, casual phase. In its lighter form — "intentional dating" — it just means being serious, honest about intentions, and careful about physical boundaries.

The word is old-fashioned on purpose; it evokes a world where romance was structured and families were involved.

Why people say it

Christians who court believe casual dating trains people for breakups, encourages sexual involvement without commitment, and treats relationships as recreation. Courtship, they argue, treats marriage as the goal, protects both people's hearts and bodies, and brings wisdom (parents, community) into a decision that's too big for two twenty-year-olds alone. Critics — including many who courted — say it can give parents too much control, rush couples into marriage, and make ordinary getting-to-know-you into a high-stakes ordeal.

How to respond

If a couple says they're courting, they're serious about each other and about doing things carefully; ask how it works for them — models vary a lot. If a friend's family practices courtship and you find it strange, remember it's their choice and often the young people's too. If you're a Christian wondering whether to court or date, the honest advice from those who've done both is: intentionality is good, control is not, and the label matters less than the wisdom.

If you hear it in different churches

Evangelical, Baptist, and non-denominational churches, especially homeschool communities and those influenced by purity culture. Anabaptists (Amish, conservative Mennonites) have long-standing courtship customs of their own. Catholics teach chastity and intentional dating without the courtship framework; some traditionalist Catholics have adopted it. Orthodox have betrothal as a church rite. Mainline Protestants don't use the term. Many former courtship advocates now recommend "dating with intention" instead.

Where does “Courting” come from?

Abraham's servant finding a wife for Isaac (Genesis 24) and Boaz and Ruth are the biblical courtship stories, and Song of Songs' refrain "do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires" is its watchword. Courtship was the norm in Western culture until dating emerged in the 1920s. The evangelical revival of courtship came with purity culture: Joshua Harris's I Kissed Dating Goodbye (1997) and Boy Meets Girl (2000), the homeschool movement, and the Duggar family's television visibility (2008–2015). The critique of the 2010s softened it into "intentional dating," which is now the more common phrase.

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