The Lighter Side

Gentle wink only: yes, that movie made it look like a special effect. The real thing is mostly prayer, mostly quiet, and the priest needs paperwork from the bishop first.

Good Friday is called "good" because of what it accomplished, not how it felt. Maundy is from the Latin for "commandment." Nobody knows this until they Google it, including many Christians.

No surgery involved. It's a metaphor. Every five-year-old in Sunday school has, however, asked how He fits.

A friend you confess things to. Works great, until you realize you've been quietly picking the one who'll go easiest on you.

Four candles, one per week, and every year a heated debate about whether the pink one is the third Sunday. (It is.)

"Every head bowed, every eye closed" — the church's way of saying "no peeking," which of course guarantees peeking.

The only word in church that means both "I agree wholeheartedly" and "please stop praying now, the food is getting cold."

Sometimes a compliment ("that singer is anointed"), sometimes olive oil on your forehead. Check for a bottle before you respond.

Defending the faith, not saying sorry for it. Though many apologists have had to apologize for their tone, which is a different discipline.

The one day a year when coworkers say "you've got something on your face" and Christians say "I know."

The peace of knowing you're okay with God — and the thing every anxious Christian has googled at 2 a.m.

"At-one-ment" — the word literally means being made one. Theologians have produced roughly nine competing theories, and the Sunday school teacher will say "Jesus paid for it," which is also correct.

A word that sounds like a playground accident and is used mostly by other people about you, never by you about yourself.

Some churches use a few drops. Some use a hot tub built into the stage. Some use a river. Nobody uses a Super Soaker, and honestly, that's a missed opportunity for the youth group.

The official signal that you may now go to lunch. Anyone who starts putting on their coat before it is a rookie.

Insults that Christians have mostly reclaimed and put on T-shirts, because that is what Christians do with insults.

#Blessed. Appears under photos of vacations, babies, and brunch. Rarely appears under photos of the flat tire, though technically those count too.

Every church has a mouth, a heart, a pair of hands… and one member who is convinced they're the brain. They are usually the appendix.

No new birthday, sadly. You keep the old one. Some people count both, which is a lot of cake.

A weekly publication read cover to cover during the sermon by people who insist they were listening.

The part of the service the people arriving late will hear from the parking lot.

No phone involved. If you feel called to the beach every summer, the church will affirm your calling but will not fund it.

Where the emotional decisions happen. Nobody has ever been unchanged by a campfire at 10 p.m. with an acoustic guitar. Nobody.

The pastor is on a screen. The worship leader is real. The coffee is the same at every location, which is either comforting or suspicious.

Q&A flashcards for the faith, written in the 1500s. The Westminster Shorter Catechism is 107 questions and is called "shorter." Ask what the longer one looks like.

The line in the Apostles' Creed where every Protestant visitor panics and every longtime Baptist mumbles. It just means "worldwide." The capital letter does a lot of work.

Mandatory church at a Christian school. Attendance is taken. Students have developed an entire sign-in-and-slip-out economy around it.

Contains four chords, one bridge, and the word "just" at least six times. The bridge will be repeated until the Spirit moves or the drummer gets tired.

A self-contained ecosystem with its own music, movies, T-shirts, and breath mints ("Testamints" — real product). Residents are frequently unaware they're in it.

Attendance: everyone. Including the people the greeters haven't seen since Easter. Small children hold open flames. Somehow it always works out.

Nothing is being planted. There is no dirt. There is, however, a school gymnasium, a trailer full of folding chairs, and a pastor who now knows how to run a soundboard.

Like dating, but with worse coffee and a much higher chance someone's grandma tries to adopt you.

The booth is real. The sliding screen is real. The line on the Saturday before Christmas is very real.

Collective noun for a group of Christians, like a "flock" of sheep or a "murder" of crows. Most weeks it's closer to the sheep.

The Worship Wars: a decades-long conflict with no casualties, no winners, and a truce called "blended," which pleases no one.

"I feel convicted" means "my conscience is bothering me," not "I've been found guilty." Though in fairness, it can feel about the same.

Dating, but with a chaperone and a spreadsheet. Made a comeback in the late '90s with a book, and every youth group has a couple who did it and now run the marriage retreat.

A contract, but with more rainbows and considerably fewer lawyers.

The parts of the service that are 1,700 years old and still said from memory. A "confession" here isn't admitting anything — it's a statement of belief, though the Westminster one is long enough to feel like a penance.

Praying on a schedule, like a monk, except the monk doesn't get a notification.

No joke here. Whatever you think about where it leads, people deconstructing are usually asking honest questions, and the church's best response is to sit with them, not to wince.

Like an infant baptism, minus the water, plus a photographer. The baby will cry. This is traditional.

Not the movie. Not the pizza. A gentle wink is all this one gets — it's serious to the people involved.

"Non-denominational" usually means "Baptist with a drum kit." Not always. But usually.

Apprenticeship for Christians. Often involves a workbook, a weekly coffee, and someone asking "how's your heart?" with alarming sincerity.

No joke here. It's meant to be a rescue, not a punishment, and when it's done badly people get hurt. We'd rather be kind than clever.

Beliefs, but organized into an outline with Roman numerals.

Also known as: you will now be helping people move. All of them. Every time.

The one song every Protestant over fifty knows by heart and every visitor under thirty is quietly mouthing.

An elder is not necessarily old. A deacon is not necessarily a decorator. A "board" is not necessarily wood, but meetings can feel like it.

The day the wise men showed up — which means every nativity set has them arriving roughly twelve days early. Nobody fixes this.

Ranges from a quiet conversation to a man with a megaphone. Most Christians are terrified of it and most non-Christians have met the megaphone guy, which explains a lot on both sides.

Seminary words. If someone uses "hermeneutics" in a small group, they either went to seminary or want you to think they did.

Skipping food on purpose to focus on God. Frequently the moment you discover how much of your spiritual life was actually just snacks.

Some people say "Father God" every sentence, like He might forget who's talking. He won't. He knows.

A "feast" that frequently involves no feast. Some do — St. Joseph's Day means pastries. Plan accordingly.

Translation: there will be food. If a church says "fellowship" and there's no food, something has gone wrong and someone will be forming a committee about it.

A room with folding tables, a kitchen that smells faintly of 1987, and at least one casserole no one will claim.

Where the spiritual gift of casseroles is exercised and the woman with the seven-layer bars achieves sainthood without Vatican involvement.

Explained differently by every tradition, which is why the word "filled" can start a very long, very polite argument between a Baptist and a Pentecostal at a wedding.

Gideon asked for wet wool and dry ground, then dry wool and wet ground, and God went along with it, which is why Christians think this is allowed. Most pastors would rather you just prayed and used your head.

Catholics go left shoulder first; Orthodox go right. Everyone thinks the other one is doing it backwards. Both are certain.

"Making a decision" sounds like picking a phone plan. It's a bit more than that, though there's also a commitment involved and you're encouraged to tell people.

If a pastor says "God is good" and you don't say "all the time," you have identified yourself as a visitor. Welcome. They'll teach you.

Rarely audible. Frequently convenient. "God told me to break up with you" is the most famous example, and He would like it known that He was not consulted.

Also the name of the prayer before dinner, a girl in every youth group, and the thing you'll need when you accidentally sit in someone's pew.

The friendliest person you'll meet all week. Will remember your name next Sunday. You will not remember theirs. This is the natural order.

Advice given to teenagers about crushes. Ignored by teenagers about crushes. Eventually understood by the same teenagers at 28.

Hallelujah if there's a drum kit. Alleluia if there's a pipe organ. Both are correct. One of them is in Handel.

Gentle wink only: a phrase that was meant to be kind and has frequently been received as anything but. Augustine gets credit for the idea; the bumper sticker gets blame for the delivery.

"Have a nice day," but you now know where the cashier goes on Sunday.

Translation: "please keep her safe." Nobody knows why it's a hedge. Not a wall, not a fence — a hedge. Presumably a very thick one.

The water is for blessing yourself, not drinking. The incense is for prayer, not for the smoke alarm, which has nonetheless been tested.

A song with four verses of which we will sing one, three, and four. Verse two is theologically fine; it's just the tradition.

Sometimes a genuine prompting. Sometimes an excuse. "I felt led to leave the meeting early" is a sentence that has been said.

Not the little picture on your phone. Considerably older, gold-leafed, and kissed on the way in, which startles every first-time visitor.

Also the two-second warning that a prayer is ending. If you hear it and the person keeps going, they've found a second wind. Settle in.

Praying for other people, which sounds simple until you're handed the church prayer list and it's four pages, single-spaced.

The prayer that goes first. The benediction goes last. In between is the sermon, which is why both are short.

The Orthodox answer to "I don't know what to pray." It's twelve words, it's ancient, and it always works. Efficient.

The most prayed word in the English language after "Lord." Delete it from a prayer and the prayer gets 40% shorter and 0% less holy.

Justification: you're in. Sanctification: now we work on the driving.

Twelve people, one shoulder. If you're the one being prayed for, brace your core.

Forty days of giving up chocolate, which in practice means forty days of talking about chocolate.

It's Jeremiah 29:11. It's always Jeremiah 29:11. If it's not, it's Philippians 4:13, and it's on a coffee mug.

Nobody is physically lifted. If someone offers to lift you up and reaches for your armpits, you have misread the situation, or they have.

Church with a script. Everyone knows their lines except you, and there's a book, but the book has seven ribbons and you're on the wrong one.

No jokes about the bread and wine — this one's sacred everywhere. Logistically, though: some churches use tiny plastic cups, some use one big goblet, and some now use a sealed wafer-and-juice combo that takes four steps to open. Watch the person next to you.

The one piece of Christianese that escaped the bubble entirely. Your non-religious coworker knows theirs. It's probably "gifts."

An offering, but with feelings. Same plate, same wallet, more eye contact.

Sounds vaguely alarming to outsiders. Means hugs, meals, and rides to the airport. Please do not say it to someone's grandmother without context.

The temperature of the church coffee, and, according to every camp speaker ever, the state of your soul.

Sit, stand, kneel, sit, stand, kneel. Catholics have been doing this since childhood and can do it while reading the bulletin. Visitors look like they're playing Simon Says.

"Maundy" is from the Latin for "commandment," not a misspelling of "Monday." The service ends in silence with no coffee hour — the one night of the year nobody complains about that.

Like a gym membership, except they notice when you don't show up and they actually call.

The terms and conditions you'll actually read, because unlike iTunes, this one has a person watching you sign it.

"Discipler" is not in most dictionaries. It is in every campus ministry's job description.

Every church job is a ministry: greeter ministry, parking ministry, coffee ministry. This is not inflation. This is Ephesians 4. It is also inflation.

A yoke is a wooden bar that joins two oxen. This is the church's way of saying relationships are hard enough when you're both pulling the same direction. Careful with this one; it's landed on real people.

A week abroad building a wall that the locals could have built faster, funded by a spaghetti dinner. Everyone comes home changed. The wall is fine.

The feeling on the bus ride home from camp. Lasts until approximately second period.

The narthex is where you learn that Episcopalians have a word for everything. It's a lobby. It's a fancy lobby with a bulletin board.

The church equivalent of a timeshare presentation, but the pizza is real and nobody makes you sign anything. Usually.

Christmas, Easter, weddings, funerals. Would like the pastor to know their name but would prefer not to be asked to join anything.

The moment in the service when the band plays softly and everyone becomes very interested in the bulletin.

The Old Testament is 39 books (or 46, ask a Catholic). The New Testament is 27. Nobody has read Leviticus all the way through in one sitting. Nobody.

Not an emergency. Do not call 911. Do expect a lot of Bible verses in their Instagram captions for the next six weeks.

God is apparently in the door business. If a window opens, that's a different metaphor, and someone's grandmother will bring it up.

Not "ordinary" as in boring — "ordinal," as in numbered. Though it's also the season with the fewest potlucks, so.

Graduation, but the hat is a robe and the diploma is a lifetime of Sunday mornings.

Same problem as "catholic," one letter over. Christianity really should have used more words.

Any church event with a bounce house. The bounce house is doing outreach. The bounce house is very effective.

Not a church for paratroopers. "Para" means "alongside." It's the Christian organization that does the thing your church would do if it had a budget.

A church with a zip code. Also comes with a fish fry, a festival, and a school whose uniform every parishioner over forty still remembers.

Also known as the time to shake hands with your neighbor and share the seasonal germ with the whole congregation. That's why there are hand-sanitizer stations by every door.

A quiet weekly game of "does anyone still carry cash?" now largely replaced by a QR code on the screen, which feels somehow less holy.

The only professional who works one day a week, according to everyone who has never been a pastor.

The church's birthday. Wear red. No cake, which seems like an oversight for a birthday.

Not in the Bible as a phrase, but the idea is. Also the sentence most likely to be said by someone about to invite you to church.

A bench designed by someone who believed discomfort builds character. Families have occupied the same pew for four generations and will defend it like a homestead.

Praise is the fast songs. Worship is the slow songs. The transition between them is one song that nobody can decide about, during which people sit down at different times.

A church group text that predates group texts. Also faster than the local news and considerably more accurate.

The primary currency of small groups. Also the church's most reliable news network. If you want the whole congregation to know something, share it as a prayer request.

Usually a woman over sixty. Has a list. Your name is on it. You did not ask to be on it. You are grateful anyway.

Ranges from a genuine promise to a Christian "thoughts and prayers." The good ones actually stop and do it. The great ones text you a week later.

Praying about something for a long time. Not to be confused with "praying through" a sermon that has gone long, which is a different kind of prayer.

The argument that has ended more late-night dorm conversations than any other. Both sides were, of course, destined to have it.

In the original story, the prodigal gets a party, a robe, and a barbecue. Modern prodigals mostly get a casserole and a lot of hugs, which is close.

Sounds like an office-supply company. It's a substitute teacher for Sunday. They will preach their best sermon, because they only have one shot and everyone's grading.

Gentle wink only. Many people have real scars from this one, so: the rings were silver, the books were everywhere, and a lot of thirty-somethings are still sorting it out.

Fifteen minutes with a Bible, a journal, and a coffee, at least three of which are spent looking for the bookmark.

There's the full two-hand lift, the one-hand "I have a question," and the timid elbow-at-the-hip. All are valid. Check what your row is doing and split the difference.

Generated an entire genre of paperback novels and at least one bumper sticker about an unmanned car. Most churches quietly agree: Jesus returns; the flowchart is optional.

Sounds like a guy with a sandwich board yelling on a corner. Actually means "turn around." The sandwich-board guy should have led with that.

The rosary is a string of beads and a lot of Hail Marys. It is not a necklace. Wearing it as one will get you a look from every Catholic grandmother in a three-mile radius.

Seven for Catholics, two for Protestants, and a very long conversation if you get them in the same room.

There's a patron saint of the internet (Isidore), of comedians (Genesius), and of lost things (Anthony), who is, ironically, the most frequently called.

If it has stained glass, it's a sanctuary. If it has a fog machine, it's a worship center. If it has both, the building committee had a very long meeting.

Saved from what? Ask, and you'll get a whole sermon. Short version: from sin and its consequences, not from the guy with the spinning sign on the corner.

The Bible, but said the way that makes you sit up straighter.

A period of time that can be anywhere from two weeks to eleven years. Nobody knows when a season ends. Farmers are baffled by this usage.

Church word for "visitor who might be interested." If you're reading a website called Christian Slang, congratulations, you're a seeker. Nobody will make you wear a badge.

Three years of Greek, Hebrew, and church history, followed by a first job where the most-used skill is unjamming the copier.

A sermon has three points. A homily has one. A Baptist sermon has three points and a poem, and the third point is "in conclusion," which is a lie.

The pastor stacking chairs after the event. Every pastor has done it; every pastor has also been photographed doing it for the newsletter.

A scheduled event that begins on time and ends when the pastor sees people checking their phones.

The hug that was invented so nobody's feelings would get involved. It is impossible to side-hug sincerely. Everyone looks like they're posing for a photo.

The thing everyone assumes you know the definition of. Ask three Christians and you'll get three definitions and one list, and the list will include something you did on Tuesday.

Not an official prayer — there's no form to file. Many people have prayed it more than once "just to be sure," which is the spiritual equivalent of checking that you locked the door.

Nobody is slain. Everyone is fine. There's a designated catcher, and they take the job very seriously.

Also known as the place where "let's open in prayer" is followed by 35 minutes of catching up, 10 minutes of Bible, and a heartfelt discussion about whose turn it is to bring dessert.

Nothing to do with the audio. If the sound is bad, that's the tech booth. If the doctrine is bad, that's a much longer meeting.

"Can I speak truth into your life?" is the Christian version of "no offense, but." Brace yourself.

If you visit a Pentecostal church and hear it, that's normal. If you visit a Presbyterian church and hear it, someone's visiting.

A performance that is not a performance. You may clap, but check the room first — in some churches applause is enthusiasm and in others it's a scandal.

The "armor of God" in Ephesians 6 has a belt, a breastplate, a shield, a helmet, and a sword. Vacation Bible School has made every one of them out of cardboard.

When a church says "stewardship," it means money. When it says "stewardship series," it means money for four consecutive Sundays.

Not a castle. Not a fortress. It's the thing you keep doing even though you keep praying you'll stop, which is a very relatable kind of castle.

For children: crafts, snacks, and the story of Noah told with felt animals. For adults: coffee and a very confident retired guy with strong opinions about Revelation.

The bravest thing a missionary does isn't going to the jungle. It's the coffee meeting where they ask you for $50 a month.

Every Christian has one. Some are three minutes. Some involve a motorcycle, a prison, and a stranger at a gas station, and those people always get asked to speak first.

Not a rival church. Not the school board. If someone says "the enemy is attacking," they mean the devil, though the flat tire and the head cold are usually involved.

Not autumn. The moment the fruit got eaten. The Bible never says it was an apple; blame the painters.

Literally means "good news." Also a genre of music, the first four books of the New Testament, and a word Christians will fit into any sentence. "Gospel-centered coffee" is not a thing. Yet.

Not a sales incentive. Though missionaries have joked that the "great omission" is the church forgetting to do it.

No castle, no throne room, no drawbridge. A lot of Christians spent centuries looking up when Jesus kept pointing around.

Capital W. "Get in the Word" means read your Bible. "The Word became flesh" means Jesus. "Word" alone means "I agree," but that's a different dictionary.

A prayer for safe roads, clear skies, and, apparently, mercy — which tells you a lot about how Grandpa drives.

Every analogy for it (water/ice/steam, an egg, a three-leaf clover) has been declared a heresy by someone. The Athanasian Creed tried to explain it in 44 lines and basically concluded "it's a mystery, but a specific one."

"Please pray for a thing I'm not going to tell you about." Everyone nods. Everyone wonders. Nobody asks. This is love.

Five days of glitter, songs with hand motions, and a theme song that parents will still be humming in November. The volunteers have not slept.

The verse numbers were added in the 1500s. Before that, "turn with me to Romans" meant a very long afternoon.

The service is long, it's sung, it's mostly standing, and there's incense. Nobody is in a hurry. It's been this way for 1,500 years and they see no reason to rush now.

No walking involved. "How's your walk?" means "how's your spiritual life?" If you answer "about ten thousand steps," you'll get a very kind, very confused look.

Church until midnight on New Year's Eve. The music is better than any party you've been to, and you'll get a plate of food on the way out.

Somewhere between a spiritual insight and a very confident fortune cookie. Receive graciously, weigh carefully, and note that "God's not done with you yet" is always technically true.

A word that means "the songs," except when it means "the whole service," except when it means "how I live my life," except when your worship leader says "let's worship" and means "please stand."

A band that is not a band, playing songs that are not performances, in a service that is definitely not a concert, with a light rig that suggests otherwise.

Pizza, dodgeball, a 15-minute talk, and a game involving whipped cream that someone will regret. Attendance triples the week before camp.

Recognizable by the beard, the van, the guitar, and the one skinny-jeans phase that shows up in every church's photo archive.